Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
