I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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