my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
