The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
