smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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