So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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