Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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