3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
