So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
