i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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