fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
