I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
