I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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