Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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