I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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