yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
