he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
