I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
