i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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