god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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