I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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