clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
