would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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