when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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