There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A+ Viking dick
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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