you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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