how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
whose parrot is this?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
