I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
