Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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