if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
