seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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