Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
