Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
