She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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