i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Sober January is a disaster.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
