i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
