Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
