Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
