My liver just broke up with me...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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