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Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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