so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.