It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
