I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
