Your tits are I can't wait for
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
