This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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