I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
