so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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