that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
