I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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