I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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