my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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