Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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