My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
