if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
