Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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